Often the life and soul of the party, you had a remarkable way of drawing everyone into the fun. People I’d never met said what a great friend you were and how you helped them in so many ways. You made time for them. You valued them. You could make pretty much anyone laugh and snort. I’ve always been so proud to be your daughter.

You weren’t perfect of course, but your desire to be a good father was clear. You showed your love for us through patience and consistency. I couldn’t stand your strict rules and boundaries when I was young, but I’ve grown to appreciate them so much today. I can see the positive ways they’ve shaped me.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” - Philippians 4:4-9

The more I see of Jesus, the more I need to see. He continually illuminates and corrects my bad habits, perceptions and judgements. I’m amazed by this and am so grateful for His unending love and patience. It’s a real spiritual battle sometimes, but whenever I press into God for more understanding, He leads me there. There’s been some really exciting things that He’s been showing me lately and I’m eager to grow in love, wisdom, maturity, and (especially) humility.

I’ve lived with an irrational fear of rejection for a long time. In June I began talking to God about this. He revealed why I’ve been this way and brought some specific people to my mind so I would forgive them. What really helped this along was not only forgiving them, but praying for them as well. He's been re-wiring my brain to be much more empathetic and kind. It’s impossible to stay angry with someone who you’re actively desiring good things for.

God showed me that I've had this wrong mentality towards Him as well. I was worried that the Holy Spirit would leave me. I didn’t think I'd lose salvation (He promises that’s impossible), but I’d worry I wouldn’t feel Him anymore. This fear became so intense that I'd avoid seeking Him entirely. I'd still read the Bible and pray, but my walls were firmly in place between us. There was a 3 - 4 week period where I didn’t feel God at all and became even more convinced that His presence was actually withdrawn from me. I just knew it was my fault and I’d have to get over our “honeymoon period that only new Christians experience” (a few people said something like this to me).

I became upset at church seeing others being filled with His joy while I wasn’t. Focusing on my feelings was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn’t seem to get over my lack of Him. When I momentarily escaped the erratic tempest of my mind and remembered his goodness, I’d begin to feel His presence again. Yet instead of rejoicing in this or connecting the dots, I’d get scared that He’d leave again. I’d become desperate in my soul, begging: “Don’t go! Don’t go!” but that’s exactly what seemed to happen as a result. All I wanted to do was cry. I just knew I was doing everything wrong and so I felt like a total failure. He told me He loves me, but I didn’t understand why this was happening. All my prayers around that time were so desperate and burdened: “Please let me feel you God. I know you love me, I know I’m your child, but I can’t go on without feeling you too.” I’d already lived my whole life without a direct connection to Him and after tasting how good He was, after He opened my eyes to this new life with Him, how could I possibly let any of Him go?

In July I began attending an early morning small group for women. The leader of the group has the Spiritual gift of Words of knowledge (this gives a person the ability to know what God is currently doing or intends to do in the life of another person. It can also be defined as knowing the secrets of another person's heart.). While we were praying, she came over to me and without me telling her anything about this personal struggle, she began speaking to me from God directly about all of it. She spoke exact answers to all of my prayers and confusion, with words that were based firmly in Scripture. He said to me that He would never reject me or forsake me, that this isn’t what he does to His children. I could do everything wrong every minute of every day and He will not go anywhere. He never removes His Presence and he is always available to us, even if we don’t feel it through our disbelief. He told me to stop trying to fight my way to Him in fear and start trusting that He is good and his promises are true. She prayed with me for at least 5 minutes while I sobbed and rejoiced. My heart became so light and unburdened after that. It was everything I needed to hear and the answer to every lie from the enemy that I was accepting and believing. Fear like this is the opposite of trust and faith in his goodness. I cannot delight in God’s presence if there is lack of trust in my heart. I should always expect great things from my amazing God and open myself up to Him with eager expectation. My God really loves me and wasn’t hiding His face from me.

I recently began a new job in Dublin. The first week was a solid 5 days of absolute, perfect peace. That isn’t exactly normal for an introverted, self-conscious and slightly socially challenged person. What changed? I knew without any doubt that God gave me this job. This wasn’t a random thing, it wasn’t a fluke, it was 100%, completely ordained by Him every step of the way. My faith in this fact was so complete, that there wasn’t any room for anxiety about it. I just knew that God has a plan for me in that place and He’s going to use me change people's lives. Trust and faith in God’s plan automatically produces a consistent level of peace and joy in our souls. I’m so excited and honored to be used by Him that I’m filled with love for almost every person I meet. I see people through God’s eyes instead of my old “are they judging me?” lenses. The beautiful women who I’m tempted to be self-conscious around or the men who look so stern and important are all just normal people like me who try to hide their underlying fear of judgement and rejection. That makes everyone I meet an immortal being to love and be charitable with my time and energy. I’d like to say that I was able to love people before Jesus came into my life, but it’s difficult when you’re so busy being scared of them.

Flesh mode = distrust, fear, judgement of others
Result of flesh mode = anxiety, tight stomach, tension, cloudy mind, bad attitude

Spirit mode = trusting God, love, judging my own heart, being kind and merciful to others
Result of Spirit mode = peace, joy, love, relaxation (yet still productive!), clear mind

Since I began this job, God has shown me how to be constantly vigilant of the shift in my soul (mind, will and emotions). Not only do I feel the obvious tension in my stomach that comes with the fleshy / worldly thoughts and worries, there’s a physical weight on my brain. The more I know about Jesus, the more I trust Him, the more I love Him and the more He enables me to follow Him.

Jesus is changing how I feel, think of others, treat others, react to pressure and think of myself. He's changing everything that's sinful: taking out the old and replacing with the new. It’s much less of me and much more of Him. I will take all I can get!

“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” - 1 Peter 8-9

Imagine that you lived in a tiny town in the middle of America that was nowhere near any ocean. All your life you grew up reading stories and watching films about it. You never doubted that it was a real place and looked forward to experiencing it someday. Eventually you move to a coastal town for a new job and one of the first things you do when you arrive there is drive to the nearest beach. When you finally turn a corner, the first glimpse you get of the endless expanse of water takes your breath away. It’s so BIG! You’re already in awe and you haven’t even parked your car yet. When you arrive at the boardwalk and open your door, the wind hits your face, you smell the salt in the air and hear the sounds of waves crashing on the beach. You’re suddenly aware that the ocean is like nowhere else.

As you walk onto the beach you stumble a bit as your shoes awkwardly fill up with sand. You take them off and throw them to the side discovering the sensation of warm sand between your toes as you continue towards the water. As you draw near the strong, moist wind cools your skin from the heat of the sun. The waves are crashing only a few yards away and the edge of the water occasionally tickles your feet. As you look out at the ocean and sky beyond you feel a peace descending and realise that you love the ocean. You could easily live in this moment and gaze out at it forever.

After walking up and down the beach for a while, you see a group of people swimming and enjoying themselves. You notice others surfing, longboarding and snorkeling. Being a confident swimmer already, you’re surprised when a bit of unexpected anxiety creeps up on you. What if you get pulled out to sea? What if there’s sharks in there? You don’t see any lifeguards nearby - what if you hurt yourself and nobody's around to help? You then realise with some relief that you didn’t bring your swimsuit anyway, so you decide to give it a try next time. You recommence enjoying the beach as you were before and commit to come back again next week for a proper dip.

As the week goes by you can’t get the ocean out of your mind. You tell your new friend about it and make a plan to return with them on Saturday. When the day comes, the anticipation has built up in your mind so much that when you arrive you barely pause to put down your towel before running straight to the waters edge. Your reservations from last week have lost their hold on you and within moments you’ve walked in up to your shoulders and are laughing with pleasure at the rising and falling of the waves. The ocean quickly becomes your favorite place on earth and you soon discover the many ways it can be enjoyed.

A year quickly passes and you visit your loved ones back home. You soon discover many others who share with you the same passion for the ocean. Your grandmother used to live in the same town and her whole face lights up as you tell her all of the amazing things you’ve been learning and experiencing. She tells you that once the love of the ocean has permeated your soul, it’s always there, even if you’re hundreds of miles from any beach. To your joy, she plans a trip to visit you there next summer.

One evening you’re chatting with an old friend and because it’s never far from your mind, you mention something about a recent ocean-related-adventure. Your friend looks at you incredulously as she affirms that the ocean only exists in movies and fairytales. They themselves have never seen it and they know many others who agree that it’s a scam to make people leave their town, waste time and money. You try to share your varied experiences, but you soon notice the pitying look growing on her face. She thinks you’ve lost your mind completely.

How can this be? Your friend has known you since grade school! You’ve never been a gullible person, how can they think that you’ve hallucinated an entire year of your life? She tells you that some people just really want the ocean to exist, because they need it to. She explains that the power of the mind and will is strong enough to make it seem real, because they can’t handle the reality of the world. This really throws you for a loop, you didn’t know anyone felt this way about the place you loved so much. Although you experienced in person it for the first time only last year, you grew up knowing that the ocean was a real place, because the evidence was available all around you. Still, you understand there have been countless scams that ruined lives and you can empathise with her wariness.

Your friend has a point about the power of the mind. What she doesn't see is that her mind is suppressing any hope that there's something larger than herself and the life she feels comfortable living. You feel an intense sadness for every rich experience she is willingly rejecting.

You can’t push anyone else to believe the ocean is a real and amazing place, they need to seek it out for themselves. Living there has changed you and people sense that. Fellow ocean enthusiasts recognize your bronzed skin and calm disposition instantly and smile at you with understanding. Others who knew you before you left ask what has changed, so you tell them. Some of them don't believe, while others make plans to visit the coast themselves. It is inexpressible joy every time someone freely joins you on the beach to run into the waves.


Although it’s a vastly incomplete picture, being in Christ can be like this in some ways. Being born again through the Spirit of God by the grace of Jesus’ death and resurrection leaves us forever changed. We know now that God is really real, Jesus is the son of God sent to deliver us from our sins and His word is completely true! We can feel the Father’s love and peace inside our hearts when we put our trust in Him. With veil removed we see the truth of the Gospel and the need for the rest of the fallen world to repent and put their faith in Him. Without a word, trusting in the promises of God clearly displays His love to others. I sometimes forget this and try to take back control of my life - falling straight back into an anxious and judgemental mind. Thankfully, He's always here to nudge us back when we wander from His peace.

Praise the Lord for His patience, mercy and love!

I have some friends and family who don't understand why I was recently water baptised. I'll try my best to explain the difference between Salvation and Baptism and why I was very happily submerged in the "clean" part of the Liffey river.

Salvation

"...if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved." - Romans 10:9-10

The Biblical meaning of “salvation” is our spiritual deliverance from the consequence of sin, which is eternal separation from our perfect and Holy God. After the first man and woman sinned in the garden of Eden every human descendant has since fallen short of the glory of God.

How do we acquire salvation?

My husband and I recently had a month long visit to America. We spent the first 2 weeks road tripping down the California coast and Grand Canyon and another 2 visiting our family in New Jersey. While the trip was incredibly blessed, the only downside was that I ceased spending quality time with God and mostly rushed through my devotionals. God wants us to prioritise spending time with Him and it's now clear to me how crucial it is. One thing He's been impressing upon me a lot lately (because it takes me a while sometimes) is the need to not only read Scripture, but to really study and commit it to our brains - especially His promises to us.

When we know where we stand in Christ we can confidently resist the enemy. It's so empowering to say: "NO. I know what God says about this: "related verse here"!" to the voices of anxiety, doubt and fear that used to rule my life.

The Bible is the source of:

“For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, in which he went and proclaimed to the spirits in prison,” - 1 Peter 3:18-19

I thought I was saved at age eight while attending a Children's Christian day camp in Bloomfield, NJ. Someone told me there that I was a sinner who needed Jesus’s gift of grace to go to Heaven. I remember being terrified of hell and made the obvious choice of heaven through Jesus. I recited the sinner’s prayer that they told me to say, even though I didn’t fully grasp what it meant. The next thing I remember is coming home to tell my tiny three year old sister to do the same thing so we could both be safe. I assumed from then on that I was a Christian.

For a few summers my parents sent my little sister and me to a week long Bible camp. My favorite parts were the food, swimming in the lake and playing games. I didn’t mind the church message if it was entertaining, but I thought reading the Bible was dull and I didn’t really understand it. I felt inclined to go to Church after returning from camp in 2001 and suggested it to my dad. He surprisingly found a new church and brought us there almost every Sunday for 2 years before he died. Despite the fact that we were going at my own suggestion, I usually resented waking up early and zoned out during most of the messages.

I thought God and Jesus were good, but I rarely thought of them or my spiritual state outside of a church building. When people shared their testimonies I didn’t relate or feel their present state of peace, joy or hope. When I considered these differences a cold dread would inch its way up my spine. Should I say the sinner’s prayer again? Did I do it wrong that first time? Then I’d conclude that I was being paranoid and having a momentary lapse of faith. I assumed my guilt was stemming from being less passionate about my testimony and that I’d grow some zeal when I found the right church someday.

I felt like a fraud in University when my Christian friends asked me to pray for them. I cringed myself through some prayers and eventually stopped going to the meetings altogether. I thought they’d hear my lack of Biblical knowledge and doubt my salvation because of it. I reasoned that they were only good at that stuff because they came from more devout Christian families. I felt self-conscious about this in particular, because my family only said short routine prayers before dinner and we never read the Bible together. When I began enjoying nightclubs and bars I thought that I’d be judged, so I pretended to be too busy to go to most Christian events or meetings during my senior year.

I could go on, but the main point of this post is this: I was not born-again at age eight. I wanted to be saved from hell and be a happy person, but I didn’t care to know God personally, nor did I fully understand why I needed Him. I wanted comfort and a happy eternity with family and friends, but I didn’t consider Jesus or God to be the central part of what the experience of Heaven actually is. Now I understand that the joy of Heaven is eternal communion with Him : forever loving Him, being loved by Him, praising Him and never tiring or ceasing to be filled with the joy of His Glory. We were created to delight in ourselves in the Lord.

“If we don’t get to God through forgiveness, through justification, through propitiation, through escape from hell, through removal of wrath, if we don’t get to God and love him and treasure him and own him and say, He is everything to us, it hasn’t happened. Salvation hasn’t happened. That is what it is about. It is about him. It is not about me getting forgiven, me getting out of hell, me getting free from wrath. It is about me getting to God. I am made for God. I am made to know him and love him and be with him in a fellowship that is satisfying to my soul and, because it is satisfying to my soul, it is glorifying to his name. That is the end of the story. Everything else is means. 

I love this verse. “Christ also suffered once for sins,” — my sins. My sins of exchanging God for other things. He died so that I could get to him and finally discover what my treasure is and my value in him is. That is the first thing that has to happen to restore God to the center is that Christ must die for our unrighteous exchange. And he did. And that is the heart of the gospel. But it is not the goal of the gospel. The goal of the gospel is God.” - John Piper

I finally went through enough pain in my life to realise something was missing this whole time. Even in my happiest moments, I would find something to complain or murmur about. Everything I used as a remedy for my anxiety or sadness never gave me any true peace. When I went looking for help in Scripture God met me there. Everything I learned about Him filled me with wonder and gladness - even verses that I’d heard so many times before. God started to show me particular things that were wrong in my heart, how many mistakes I’ve made trying to do things my own way and how I desperately needed Him. I began to see how He loved me, His prodigal daughter, even though I never really loved Him. All of this time He wanted me to come back home to Him.

I was saved through faith at age 29 after seeking out Jesus. When I gave my life to Him through tears and trembling He filled me with His love and peace. This is available to everyone, no matter who you are, where you're from or whatever bad thing you’ve done. There is no sin too large or heart too dead that Jesus's sacrifice can't redeem you from. His Spirit is the only one who can open the eyes of your heart, cleanse you and make you a new creation in Him. He loves you so much. If you don’t believe any of this, ask Him to open your heart and mind to Him. Ask Jesus to show you who He is and be honest about your lack of faith, because He knows what's in your heart anyway.

If you're like I was and desire many things before God, think the Bible is boring and only give time to God on occasion, please don't try to clean your life up and then come to God. You can't do anything to improve yourself before you come to the Lord. He will be the one to create the change inside you through Grace. You'll be absolutely amazed how different you become with His Spirit inside you! He does everything and gets all the Glory for the change in us, we do nothing but trust Him through the faith that He gives us. God will not deny you if you humble yourself and ask for His help.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

11 And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants,‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.

“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came,who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’” - Luke 15:11-32

EDIT: This is one of my devotionals from the morning after I wrote this post.

I have loved you with an everlasting Love. Before time began, I knew you. For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope. All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms. When time was right, I revealed Myself to you. I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation. Sometimes you felt naked -- exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence. I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness. I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity. I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart. Join Me in singing My song. Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light.
Related verses: Jeremiah 31:3 ; Isaiah 61:10 ; 1 Peter 2:9

The book of Proverbs taught me so much about God's perfect wisdom and how He calls us to be. My version of "wisdom" had really let me down over the years. It wasn't nice to realise that the majority of my hardships resulted from my own foolish and prideful behaviour. Two verses in particular stuck in my head:

"In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." - 2 Corinthians 4:4

John Piper is the well known Christian founder and teacher of desiringGod.org. While listening to a series of his sermons a few months ago he challenged me to make an honest assessment of my personal relationship with God. I started by asking myself this question:

Do I find God to be glorious?

glorious: delightful, wonderful, beautiful, magnificent, completely enjoyable

One way to be sure that I answered honestly was to analyse my life in more detail. What we find to be glorious will be what regularly fills our minds and life. So I asked myself a series of questions to better answer the first.

1. Who do I love most? My husband
2. Who do I want to spend most of my time with? My husband, family and friends
3.  What are the most enjoyable parts of my day? Drinking a delicious coffee, going for a run, enjoying entertaining media, appreciating beauty, having good food and drinks with loved ones, learning, achieving or experiencing something new
4. What are my goals in life (what do I assume will bring me the most joy)? Travelling, fun adventures, security (job, house, etc), raising a happy and balanced (Christian) family, being successful, having good relationships, being surrounded by beauty
5. Who do I want to please the most? Myself and my husband
6. When do I think of God? When I'm scared of losing something or when I want something.
7. Do I find God to be glorious? No. God barely registers in my life or within any of my life priorities, except for what I can get from Him. If God was the Lord of my life - He should've been the answer to the first 6 questions.

idolatry: the worship of idols or excessive devotion to, or reverence for some person or thing. An idol is anything that replaces the one, true God. Even for those who don't bow physically before a statue, idolatry is a matter of the heart - pride, self-centeredness, greed, gluttony, a love for possessions and ultimately a rebellion against God.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.” - Philippians 3:8-9

For as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to fill the void in my heart. Most people can probably relate to my story. At an early age my "best friend" dumped me for another girl and the rejection really hurt. Five years later I grew close to a new friend, but she became mentally abusive and bullied me for a while with some other girls in middle school. I lost trust in people and felt waves of jealousy at all the happy, healthy friendships around me. I'd watch movies like "Now and Then" and cry, feeling such an ache in my heart, wanting what they had so badly. Later in life, the most empathetic and loving people I met were Christians. Their kindness opened my heart to them and pointed right to God. I was so thankful to Him for them, but nevertheless raised them up in my heart where He should've been.

When I moved abroad 6 years ago I had to leave everyone I loved in America. My self-confidence quickly waned without my regular support system (plus the shortage of work during the recession) and the void I’d tried to fill burst right open again. My depression was palpable to my poor husband who only knew the carefree and happy person he fell in love with over the years. I quickly turned back into an anxiety ridden girl who desperately clung to anyone who alleviated the weight of my heart or gave me some sense of value.  

The two closest friendships I made in Ireland have ended terribly. I sensed a distance growing between one friend and myself and fearing the possible rejection pushed her away first. Last summer a woman who I spent a year getting to know couldn’t handle the pressure I evidently put on our relationship (or my emotional baggage at that time) and cut off contact with me completely. After years of loneliness and rejection I earnestly wanted to find the root of all my problems with making (and keeping) decent friends. My mom said I couldn’t expect people without God’s Spirit to empathize like my loving Christians friends could. While this was partially true and my pride wanted me to take zero responsibility, there were obvious mistakes made on both sides with each person. 

When I began walking towards Jesus I felt so broken. Within weeks it was perfectly clear that He was who I wanted and needed all this time. My journey has been filled with regret, but I'm thankful He used the pain to draw me back to Him. His plan is good and I'm learning to trust Him with my present and the future. One of the many beautiful aspects of being in a redeemed relationship with Jesus is His promise to never leave. Unlike people, it's impossible for a perfect God to break His promises. He encourages us to seek forgiveness and bring our vulnerabilities and imperfections to Him. When we do this He will clean, comfort, strengthen and perfect every part of us through the Word and His Spirit (even if some things take longer than others). 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9

He’s been telling me that I don’t have to pretend to be perfect or “play hard to get” with Him, because He knows me better than I do and loves more deeply than I could ever imagine. Being in His Presence is being surrounded by the embodiment of love itself. Jesus is my best friend. God is my good Father. He never leaves or forsakes us. He is the only one who can ever fully satisfy. Now I understand what Paul was saying: “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” If I stray or wander away from Him, He’s still with me. When I’m weak, His words strengthen me. He is everything I need - my joy, my love, my treasure.

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11

"John answered them all, saying, “I baptize you with water, but he who is mightier than I is coming, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire." - Luke 3:16

"When the day of Pentecost arrived, they were all together in one place. And suddenly there came from heaven a sound like a mighty rushing wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting. And divided tongues as of fire appeared to them and rested on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit gave them utterance." - Acts 2:1-4 

Singing worship has always been my favourite part of any church service. Who wouldn’t enjoy singing a song, especially one with a nice tune that’s saying positive things about God? I liked churches that invested time into their bands and had a variety of modern and classic hymns that energised the congregation. However there were always those select few who’d get too "into it”, making someone with my Conservative Baptist and Catholic background feel quite uncomfortable. Why did they have to raise their arms, dance around and randomly shout out? Were they showing off to everyone how much they love God? It was so distracting, irritating and strange to me that I’d stop going to a church that had too much of that happening.

A pastor recently compared the excitement of dedicated fans at a football game to worshippers at church: “Wouldn’t it be good if people who can shout, chant and jump because a ball went into a net were moved to do the same for the Creator of all things?” I’d never thought of it that way and it made sense. I began to wonder if maybe my judgement that people were being falsely theatrical was wrong. Was I the one who sang empty words to a God I barely knew? Maybe those excited displays of worship left me feeling insecure, because I lacked them?

The last session of the beginners Bible study devoted the class to the Holy Spirit and the gift of praying in tongues. (Speaking in tongues is when the Holy Spirit speaks through a Christian in other languages they don't know - world languages and Angelic languages) By the end of the evening my mind was more open to the idea, where before I‘d wanted to be as far away from it as possible. I began to think this distrust was the main thing between myself and God. That night I began praying that I’d open up to all of God and His gifts if He wanted to give them to me.

One week later I visited a church for their young adults session for the first time. I still couldn’t get into worship, because I was too self-conscious and couldn’t still my mind to focus on God. I was praying for trust when the girl beside me (who I hadn’t met - I didn't know anyone yet) began quietly praying in tongues. After a while she began to repeatedly say my name. I heard this, but I didn’t think I was hearing correctly. I held onto my doubts, thinking I misheard her and kept praying for trust. The girl then began to say it more clearly and loudly than before, she must’ve said my name about 10 or more times! Then a woman leapt onto the church stage to say: “God just told me someone here is struggling with trust and these are the verses He wants to share with them…” All of these verses shocked my heart and left me trembling. I prayed to him: “Okay God, I hear you. Thank you.” Honestly, I was more freaked out than excited about it, but I acknowledged Him.

That very same week on Saturday I read my Bible and went for a run. I replaced a few of my usual pop/dance songs with some worship music for the first time. That run was absolutely incredible - I found myself laughing and grinning while praising God in my heart for the 4 miles. As I was cooling down I asked Him “Why do we put things in front of you God? Good things, bad things - you are so much more incredible and perfect!” and as I asked Him my brain cleared for a moment in a way that has never happened to my recollection and a voice that was not my own quietly asked me :

"How do you compare the gift with the Giver?"

Many people won’t believe me or will think I’m nuts and I probably would too if it didn’t happen to me. It’s kind of like if you were abducted by aliens. Would you tell anyone about it and open yourself up to scrutiny, even though you know it happened? I recognised deep in my bones that voice was God. I was wide open to Him in my heart and He allowed me to hear Him. The statement made so much sense to me in that moment and has been incredibly helpful to me in a myriad of ways ever since, but more on that another time. God followed that up the next evening with this excerpt from one of my daily devotionals:

"Do not seek Me primarily for what I can give you. Remember that I, the Giver, am infinitely greater than any gift I might impart to you. Though I delight in blessing My children, I am deeply grieved when My blessings become idols in their hearts. Anything can be an idol if it distracts yourself from Me as your first love." - Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

This is the first time I had read anything about “the Giver” and it absolutely blew my mind. I’ve found that God does this a lot when you ask Him questions, if He reveals the answer He can do it in so many ways. You can’t put God into a box and expect Him to do it your way. If you’re faithful, you’ll know the answers when you see them. His voice was so gentle and sure that day, it’d be so easy to miss. I shared my experience with a Christian friend and she sent me this verse straight away:

"And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper." - 1 Kings: 19: 11-12

The joy and peace I felt that day was like nothing I’d experienced before. I told my mom, sisters, close friends and just could not get over it. GOD spoke to ME in my HEAD? He heard my prayers for trust and love and He was showering me with it in abundance just like He promises. ("Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."- Matthew 7:7) Reading the Bible, listening to worship songs and praying all became so different after that. I suddenly had this new sensitivity through faith that He was right there. His words leapt off the pages and made sense in new ways, certain verses brought tears of joy to my eyes and whenever I could be alone I’d find myself singing and raising my arms in adulation to Jesus. My joy in His Presence breaks over me in waves of comforting warmth, my heart leaps and my stomach does flips. I’ve fallen in love with my God! This is the purpose I’d been waiting for all my life: to love God with all my heart and mind and strength and to share this treasure with others.

Soon after this I visited a fantastic church in England where I’d gone in 2007 while studying in London. At the end of the worship the speaker said: “Holy Spirit, please come into this place and fill us.” My arms were raised as he said it and suddenly I felt the sensation again, except this time it was a light steady stream of comforting warmth that went from the top of my head and neck down to my shoulders and further down, feeling fainter as it spread out like a ripple in the water. It kept coming for a while, maybe a minute or two. I was filled with complete peace and began thanking Jesus profusely. Finally the last thing I would describe is that I felt complete and "full". It stayed with me the whole day and I wasn’t able to keep myself from telling my friends - any fear of judgement was so small in comparison to experiencing the completeness of God’s love. I told my friend, “I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you, I just feel like I’m spilling over…”

"A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." - Psalm 23: 1-6

Why do born-again Christians always share their faith with unbelievers? Why don’t they keep their faith private and personal?