No one desires depression, anxiety or low self-esteem, yet we sometimes arrive there. I had an arsenal of weapons to combat all unwelcome thoughts or feelings. I'd talk to my loving and encouraging husband. I ran to improve my health and fitness. I got the jobs I wanted, in the industry I wanted. I tasted great food and wine. I travelled. I blew off steam on nights out with music, dancing and alcohol. I cultivated an online brand of "stable and happy wife with a relatively interesting life".

It was in the calm, quiet nights that my guard was down and the depression would descend.

People don't like me. I'm a fraud. I'm not a good person. This is all meaningless.

Everyone desires pleasure, fulfillment and joy. I could never quite get there - wherever "there" was. Some people think they need to find "the one". Well, I have been happily married for several years. I love my husband deeply and (I'm speaking for him here, but...) he loves me. While our marriage has brought joy, laughter and love, it wasn't enough to stop the fear that I was running from. We all realize someday that other people, great careers, humanitarian work, life experiences, academic achievements and cheap thrills can bring some happiness, but they won't fill us the way we hope.

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." - Psalm 16:11

“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” - 1 Peter 8-9

Imagine that you lived in a tiny town in the middle of America that was nowhere near any ocean. All your life you grew up reading stories and watching films about it. You never doubted that it was a real place and looked forward to experiencing it someday. Eventually you move to a coastal town for a new job and one of the first things you do when you arrive there is drive to the nearest beach. When you finally turn a corner, the first glimpse you get of the endless expanse of water takes your breath away. It’s so BIG! You’re already in awe and you haven’t even parked your car yet. When you arrive at the boardwalk and open your door, the wind hits your face, you smell the salt in the air and hear the sounds of waves crashing on the beach. You’re suddenly aware that the ocean is like nowhere else.

As you walk onto the beach you stumble a bit as your shoes awkwardly fill up with sand. You take them off and throw them to the side discovering the sensation of warm sand between your toes as you continue towards the water. As you draw near the strong, moist wind cools your skin from the heat of the sun. The waves are crashing only a few yards away and the edge of the water occasionally tickles your feet. As you look out at the ocean and sky beyond you feel a peace descending and realise that you love the ocean. You could easily live in this moment and gaze out at it forever.

After walking up and down the beach for a while, you see a group of people swimming and enjoying themselves. You notice others surfing, longboarding and snorkeling. Being a confident swimmer already, you’re surprised when a bit of unexpected anxiety creeps up on you. What if you get pulled out to sea? What if there’s sharks in there? You don’t see any lifeguards nearby - what if you hurt yourself and nobody's around to help? You then realise with some relief that you didn’t bring your swimsuit anyway, so you decide to give it a try next time. You recommence enjoying the beach as you were before and commit to come back again next week for a proper dip.

As the week goes by you can’t get the ocean out of your mind. You tell your new friend about it and make a plan to return with them on Saturday. When the day comes, the anticipation has built up in your mind so much that when you arrive you barely pause to put down your towel before running straight to the waters edge. Your reservations from last week have lost their hold on you and within moments you’ve walked in up to your shoulders and are laughing with pleasure at the rising and falling of the waves. The ocean quickly becomes your favorite place on earth and you soon discover the many ways it can be enjoyed.

A year quickly passes and you visit your loved ones back home. You soon discover many others who share with you the same passion for the ocean. Your grandmother used to live in the same town and her whole face lights up as you tell her all of the amazing things you’ve been learning and experiencing. She tells you that once the love of the ocean has permeated your soul, it’s always there, even if you’re hundreds of miles from any beach. To your joy, she plans a trip to visit you there next summer.

One evening you’re chatting with an old friend and because it’s never far from your mind, you mention something about a recent ocean-related-adventure. Your friend looks at you incredulously as she affirms that the ocean only exists in movies and fairytales. They themselves have never seen it and they know many others who agree that it’s a scam to make people leave their town, waste time and money. You try to share your varied experiences, but you soon notice the pitying look growing on her face. She thinks you’ve lost your mind completely.

How can this be? Your friend has known you since grade school! You’ve never been a gullible person, how can they think that you’ve hallucinated an entire year of your life? She tells you that some people just really want the ocean to exist, because they need it to. She explains that the power of the mind and will is strong enough to make it seem real, because they can’t handle the reality of the world. This really throws you for a loop, you didn’t know anyone felt this way about the place you loved so much. Although you experienced in person it for the first time only last year, you grew up knowing that the ocean was a real place, because the evidence was available all around you. Still, you understand there have been countless scams that ruined lives and you can empathise with her wariness.

Your friend has a point about the power of the mind. What she doesn't see is that her mind is suppressing any hope that there's something larger than herself and the life she feels comfortable living. You feel an intense sadness for every rich experience she is willingly rejecting.

You can’t push anyone else to believe the ocean is a real and amazing place, they need to seek it out for themselves. Living there has changed you and people sense that. Fellow ocean enthusiasts recognize your bronzed skin and calm disposition instantly and smile at you with understanding. Others who knew you before you left ask what has changed, so you tell them. Some of them don't believe, while others make plans to visit the coast themselves. It is inexpressible joy every time someone freely joins you on the beach to run into the waves.


Although it’s a vastly incomplete picture, being in Christ can be like this in some ways. Being born again through the Spirit of God by the grace of Jesus’ death and resurrection leaves us forever changed. We know now that God is really real, Jesus is the son of God sent to deliver us from our sins and His word is completely true! We can feel the Father’s love and peace inside our hearts when we put our trust in Him. With veil removed we see the truth of the Gospel and the need for the rest of the fallen world to repent and put their faith in Him. Without a word, trusting in the promises of God clearly displays His love to others. I sometimes forget this and try to take back control of my life - falling straight back into an anxious and judgemental mind. Thankfully, He's always here to nudge us back when we wander from His peace.

Praise the Lord for His patience, mercy and love!

There's something about certain music that completely captivates our souls. Christian worship is our soul delighting in Jesus and expressing praise to him for the true things the Scriptures teach us about who He is and what he has accomplished for us. I've added a few of my recent favourites below!

"Once you see this - that the work of the heart (the emotions) is as important for reflecting the glory of God as the work of the head (understanding) is, then you will begin to see why music and singing is so important for Christian worship. The reason we sing is because there are depths and heights and intensities and kinds of emotion that will not be satisfactorily expressed by mere prosaic forms, or even poetic readings. There are realities that demand to break out of prose into poetry and some demand that poetry be stretched into song." - Singing and Making Melody to the Lord, Desiring God

It's so amazing and encouraging to hear how people from all different backgrounds and walks of life came to put their faith in Christ. I plan to make this a regular feature here, just click the label "testimonies" next time you're here. I hope these stories bless you today!

I have some friends and family who don't understand why I was recently water baptised. I'll try my best to explain the difference between Salvation and Baptism and why I was very happily submerged in the "clean" part of the Liffey river.

Salvation

"...if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved." - Romans 10:9-10

The Biblical meaning of “salvation” is our spiritual deliverance from the consequence of sin, which is eternal separation from our perfect and Holy God. After the first man and woman sinned in the garden of Eden every human descendant has since fallen short of the glory of God.

How do we acquire salvation?

My husband and I recently had a month long visit to America. We spent the first 2 weeks road tripping down the California coast and Grand Canyon and another 2 visiting our family in New Jersey. While the trip was incredibly blessed, the only downside was that I ceased spending quality time with God and mostly rushed through my devotionals. God wants us to prioritise spending time with Him and it's now clear to me how crucial it is. One thing He's been impressing upon me a lot lately (because it takes me a while sometimes) is the need to not only read Scripture, but to really study and commit it to our brains - especially His promises to us.

When we know where we stand in Christ we can confidently resist the enemy. It's so empowering to say: "NO. I know what God says about this: "related verse here"!" to the voices of anxiety, doubt and fear that used to rule my life.

The Bible is the source of:

“For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, in which he went and proclaimed to the spirits in prison,” - 1 Peter 3:18-19

I thought I was saved at age eight while attending a Children's Christian day camp in Bloomfield, NJ. Someone told me there that I was a sinner who needed Jesus’s gift of grace to go to Heaven. I remember being terrified of hell and made the obvious choice of heaven through Jesus. I recited the sinner’s prayer that they told me to say, even though I didn’t fully grasp what it meant. The next thing I remember is coming home to tell my tiny three year old sister to do the same thing so we could both be safe. I assumed from then on that I was a Christian.

For a few summers my parents sent my little sister and me to a week long Bible camp. My favorite parts were the food, swimming in the lake and playing games. I didn’t mind the church message if it was entertaining, but I thought reading the Bible was dull and I didn’t really understand it. I felt inclined to go to Church after returning from camp in 2001 and suggested it to my dad. He surprisingly found a new church and brought us there almost every Sunday for 2 years before he died. Despite the fact that we were going at my own suggestion, I usually resented waking up early and zoned out during most of the messages.

I thought God and Jesus were good, but I rarely thought of them or my spiritual state outside of a church building. When people shared their testimonies I didn’t relate or feel their present state of peace, joy or hope. When I considered these differences a cold dread would inch its way up my spine. Should I say the sinner’s prayer again? Did I do it wrong that first time? Then I’d conclude that I was being paranoid and having a momentary lapse of faith. I assumed my guilt was stemming from being less passionate about my testimony and that I’d grow some zeal when I found the right church someday.

I felt like a fraud in University when my Christian friends asked me to pray for them. I cringed myself through some prayers and eventually stopped going to the meetings altogether. I thought they’d hear my lack of Biblical knowledge and doubt my salvation because of it. I reasoned that they were only good at that stuff because they came from more devout Christian families. I felt self-conscious about this in particular, because my family only said short routine prayers before dinner and we never read the Bible together. When I began enjoying nightclubs and bars I thought that I’d be judged, so I pretended to be too busy to go to most Christian events or meetings during my senior year.

I could go on, but the main point of this post is this: I was not born-again at age eight. I wanted to be saved from hell and be a happy person, but I didn’t care to know God personally, nor did I fully understand why I needed Him. I wanted comfort and a happy eternity with family and friends, but I didn’t consider Jesus or God to be the central part of what the experience of Heaven actually is. Now I understand that the joy of Heaven is eternal communion with Him : forever loving Him, being loved by Him, praising Him and never tiring or ceasing to be filled with the joy of His Glory. We were created to delight in ourselves in the Lord.

“If we don’t get to God through forgiveness, through justification, through propitiation, through escape from hell, through removal of wrath, if we don’t get to God and love him and treasure him and own him and say, He is everything to us, it hasn’t happened. Salvation hasn’t happened. That is what it is about. It is about him. It is not about me getting forgiven, me getting out of hell, me getting free from wrath. It is about me getting to God. I am made for God. I am made to know him and love him and be with him in a fellowship that is satisfying to my soul and, because it is satisfying to my soul, it is glorifying to his name. That is the end of the story. Everything else is means. 

I love this verse. “Christ also suffered once for sins,” — my sins. My sins of exchanging God for other things. He died so that I could get to him and finally discover what my treasure is and my value in him is. That is the first thing that has to happen to restore God to the center is that Christ must die for our unrighteous exchange. And he did. And that is the heart of the gospel. But it is not the goal of the gospel. The goal of the gospel is God.” - John Piper

I finally went through enough pain in my life to realise something was missing this whole time. Even in my happiest moments, I would find something to complain or murmur about. Everything I used as a remedy for my anxiety or sadness never gave me any true peace. When I went looking for help in Scripture God met me there. Everything I learned about Him filled me with wonder and gladness - even verses that I’d heard so many times before. God started to show me particular things that were wrong in my heart, how many mistakes I’ve made trying to do things my own way and how I desperately needed Him. I began to see how He loved me, His prodigal daughter, even though I never really loved Him. All of this time He wanted me to come back home to Him.

I was saved through faith at age 29 after seeking out Jesus. When I gave my life to Him through tears and trembling He filled me with His love and peace. This is available to everyone, no matter who you are, where you're from or whatever bad thing you’ve done. There is no sin too large or heart too dead that Jesus's sacrifice can't redeem you from. His Spirit is the only one who can open the eyes of your heart, cleanse you and make you a new creation in Him. He loves you so much. If you don’t believe any of this, ask Him to open your heart and mind to Him. Ask Jesus to show you who He is and be honest about your lack of faith, because He knows what's in your heart anyway.

If you're like I was and desire many things before God, think the Bible is boring and only give time to God on occasion, please don't try to clean your life up and then come to God. You can't do anything to improve yourself before you come to the Lord. He will be the one to create the change inside you through Grace. You'll be absolutely amazed how different you become with His Spirit inside you! He does everything and gets all the Glory for the change in us, we do nothing but trust Him through the faith that He gives us. God will not deny you if you humble yourself and ask for His help.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

11 And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants,‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.

“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came,who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’” - Luke 15:11-32

EDIT: This is one of my devotionals from the morning after I wrote this post.

I have loved you with an everlasting Love. Before time began, I knew you. For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope. All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms. When time was right, I revealed Myself to you. I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation. Sometimes you felt naked -- exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence. I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness. I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity. I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart. Join Me in singing My song. Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light.
Related verses: Jeremiah 31:3 ; Isaiah 61:10 ; 1 Peter 2:9