“For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, in which he went and proclaimed to the spirits in prison,” - 1 Peter 3:18-19
I thought I was saved at age eight while attending a Children's Christian day camp in Bloomfield, NJ. Someone told me there that I was a sinner who needed Jesus’s gift of grace to go to Heaven. I remember being terrified of hell and made the obvious choice of heaven through Jesus. I recited the sinner’s prayer that they told me to say, even though I didn’t fully grasp what it meant. The next thing I remember is coming home to tell my tiny three year old sister to do the same thing so we could both be safe. I assumed from then on that I was a Christian.
For a few summers my parents sent my little sister and me to a week long Bible camp. My favorite parts were the food, swimming in the lake and playing games. I didn’t mind the church message if it was entertaining, but I thought reading the Bible was dull and I didn’t really understand it. I felt inclined to go to Church after returning from camp in 2001 and suggested it to my dad. He surprisingly found a new church and brought us there almost every Sunday for 2 years before he died. Despite the fact that we were going at my own suggestion, I usually resented waking up early and zoned out during most of the messages.
I thought God and Jesus were good, but I rarely thought of them or my spiritual state outside of a church building. When people shared their testimonies I didn’t relate or feel their present state of peace, joy or hope. When I considered these differences a cold dread would inch its way up my spine. Should I say the sinner’s prayer again? Did I do it wrong that first time? Then I’d conclude that I was being paranoid and having a momentary lapse of faith. I assumed my guilt was stemming from being less passionate about my testimony and that I’d grow some zeal when I found the right church someday.
I felt like a fraud in University when my Christian friends asked me to pray for them. I cringed myself through some prayers and eventually stopped going to the meetings altogether. I thought they’d hear my lack of Biblical knowledge and doubt my salvation because of it. I reasoned that they were only good at that stuff because they came from more devout Christian families. I felt self-conscious about this in particular, because my family only said short routine prayers before dinner and we never read the Bible together. When I began enjoying nightclubs and bars I thought that I’d be judged, so I pretended to be too busy to go to most Christian events or meetings during my senior year.
I could go on, but the main point of this post is this: I was not born-again at age eight. I wanted to be saved from hell and be a happy person, but I didn’t care to know God personally, nor did I fully understand why I needed Him. I wanted comfort and a happy eternity with family and friends, but I didn’t consider Jesus or God to be the central part of what the experience of Heaven actually is. Now I understand that the joy of Heaven is eternal communion with Him : forever loving Him, being loved by Him, praising Him and never tiring or ceasing to be filled with the joy of His Glory. We were created to delight in ourselves in the Lord.
“If we don’t get to God through forgiveness, through justification, through propitiation, through escape from hell, through removal of wrath, if we don’t get to God and love him and treasure him and own him and say, He is everything to us, it hasn’t happened. Salvation hasn’t happened. That is what it is about. It is about him. It is not about me getting forgiven, me getting out of hell, me getting free from wrath. It is about me getting to God. I am made for God. I am made to know him and love him and be with him in a fellowship that is satisfying to my soul and, because it is satisfying to my soul, it is glorifying to his name. That is the end of the story. Everything else is means.
I love this verse. “Christ also suffered once for sins,” — my sins. My sins of exchanging God for other things. He died so that I could get to him and finally discover what my treasure is and my value in him is. That is the first thing that has to happen to restore God to the center is that Christ must die for our unrighteous exchange. And he did. And that is the heart of the gospel. But it is not the goal of the gospel. The goal of the gospel is God.” - John Piper
I finally went through enough pain in my life to realise something was missing this whole time. Even in my happiest moments, I would find something to complain or murmur about. Everything I used as a remedy for my anxiety or sadness never gave me any true peace. When I went looking for help in Scripture God met me there. Everything I learned about Him filled me with wonder and gladness - even verses that I’d heard so many times before. God started to show me particular things that were wrong in my heart, how many mistakes I’ve made trying to do things my own way and how I desperately needed Him. I began to see how He loved me, His prodigal daughter, even though I never really loved Him. All of this time He wanted me to come back home to Him.
I was saved through faith at age 29 after seeking out Jesus. When I gave my life to Him through tears and trembling He filled me with His love and peace. This is available to everyone, no matter who you are, where you're from or whatever bad thing you’ve done. There is no sin too large or heart too dead that Jesus's sacrifice can't redeem you from. His Spirit is the only one who can open the eyes of your heart, cleanse you and make you a new creation in Him. He loves you so much. If you don’t believe any of this, ask Him to open your heart and mind to Him. Ask Jesus to show you who He is and be honest about your lack of faith, because He knows what's in your heart anyway.
If you're like I was and desire many things before God, think the Bible is boring and only give time to God on occasion, please don't try to clean your life up and then come to God. You can't do anything to improve yourself before you come to the Lord. He will be the one to create the change inside you through Grace. You'll be absolutely amazed how different you become with His Spirit inside you! He does everything and gets all the Glory for the change in us, we do nothing but trust Him through the faith that He gives us. God will not deny you if you humble yourself and ask for His help.
The Parable of the Prodigal Son
11 And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.
“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants,‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.
“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came,who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’” - Luke 15:11-32
EDIT: This is one of my devotionals from the morning after I wrote this post.
I have loved you with an everlasting Love. Before time began, I knew you. For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope. All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms. When time was right, I revealed Myself to you. I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation. Sometimes you felt naked -- exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence. I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness. I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity. I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart. Join Me in singing My song. Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light.