“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” - Philippians 4:4-9

The more I see of Jesus, the more I need to see. He continually illuminates and corrects my bad habits, perceptions and judgements. I’m amazed by this and am so grateful for His unending love and patience. It’s a real spiritual battle sometimes, but whenever I press into God for more understanding, He leads me there. There’s been some really exciting things that He’s been showing me lately and I’m eager to grow in love, wisdom, maturity, and (especially) humility.

I’ve lived with an irrational fear of rejection for a long time. In June I began talking to God about this. He revealed why I’ve been this way and brought some specific people to my mind so I would forgive them. What really helped this along was not only forgiving them, but praying for them as well. He's been re-wiring my brain to be much more empathetic and kind. It’s impossible to stay angry with someone who you’re actively desiring good things for.

God showed me that I've had this wrong mentality towards Him as well. I was worried that the Holy Spirit would leave me. I didn’t think I'd lose salvation (He promises that’s impossible), but I’d worry I wouldn’t feel Him anymore. This fear became so intense that I'd avoid seeking Him entirely. I'd still read the Bible and pray, but my walls were firmly in place between us. There was a 3 - 4 week period where I didn’t feel God at all and became even more convinced that His presence was actually withdrawn from me. I just knew it was my fault and I’d have to get over our “honeymoon period that only new Christians experience” (a few people said something like this to me).

I became upset at church seeing others being filled with His joy while I wasn’t. Focusing on my feelings was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn’t seem to get over my lack of Him. When I momentarily escaped the erratic tempest of my mind and remembered his goodness, I’d begin to feel His presence again. Yet instead of rejoicing in this or connecting the dots, I’d get scared that He’d leave again. I’d become desperate in my soul, begging: “Don’t go! Don’t go!” but that’s exactly what seemed to happen as a result. All I wanted to do was cry. I just knew I was doing everything wrong and so I felt like a total failure. He told me He loves me, but I didn’t understand why this was happening. All my prayers around that time were so desperate and burdened: “Please let me feel you God. I know you love me, I know I’m your child, but I can’t go on without feeling you too.” I’d already lived my whole life without a direct connection to Him and after tasting how good He was, after He opened my eyes to this new life with Him, how could I possibly let any of Him go?

In July I began attending an early morning small group for women. The leader of the group has the Spiritual gift of Words of knowledge (this gives a person the ability to know what God is currently doing or intends to do in the life of another person. It can also be defined as knowing the secrets of another person's heart.). While we were praying, she came over to me and without me telling her anything about this personal struggle, she began speaking to me from God directly about all of it. She spoke exact answers to all of my prayers and confusion, with words that were based firmly in Scripture. He said to me that He would never reject me or forsake me, that this isn’t what he does to His children. I could do everything wrong every minute of every day and He will not go anywhere. He never removes His Presence and he is always available to us, even if we don’t feel it through our disbelief. He told me to stop trying to fight my way to Him in fear and start trusting that He is good and his promises are true. She prayed with me for at least 5 minutes while I sobbed and rejoiced. My heart became so light and unburdened after that. It was everything I needed to hear and the answer to every lie from the enemy that I was accepting and believing. Fear like this is the opposite of trust and faith in his goodness. I cannot delight in God’s presence if there is lack of trust in my heart. I should always expect great things from my amazing God and open myself up to Him with eager expectation. My God really loves me and wasn’t hiding His face from me.

I recently began a new job in Dublin. The first week was a solid 5 days of absolute, perfect peace. That isn’t exactly normal for an introverted, self-conscious and slightly socially challenged person. What changed? I knew without any doubt that God gave me this job. This wasn’t a random thing, it wasn’t a fluke, it was 100%, completely ordained by Him every step of the way. My faith in this fact was so complete, that there wasn’t any room for anxiety about it. I just knew that God has a plan for me in that place and He’s going to use me change people's lives. Trust and faith in God’s plan automatically produces a consistent level of peace and joy in our souls. I’m so excited and honored to be used by Him that I’m filled with love for almost every person I meet. I see people through God’s eyes instead of my old “are they judging me?” lenses. The beautiful women who I’m tempted to be self-conscious around or the men who look so stern and important are all just normal people like me who try to hide their underlying fear of judgement and rejection. That makes everyone I meet an immortal being to love and be charitable with my time and energy. I’d like to say that I was able to love people before Jesus came into my life, but it’s difficult when you’re so busy being scared of them.

Flesh mode = distrust, fear, judgement of others
Result of flesh mode = anxiety, tight stomach, tension, cloudy mind, bad attitude

Spirit mode = trusting God, love, judging my own heart, being kind and merciful to others
Result of Spirit mode = peace, joy, love, relaxation (yet still productive!), clear mind

Since I began this job, God has shown me how to be constantly vigilant of the shift in my soul (mind, will and emotions). Not only do I feel the obvious tension in my stomach that comes with the fleshy / worldly thoughts and worries, there’s a physical weight on my brain. The more I know about Jesus, the more I trust Him, the more I love Him and the more He enables me to follow Him.

Jesus is changing how I feel, think of others, treat others, react to pressure and think of myself. He's changing everything that's sinful: taking out the old and replacing with the new. It’s much less of me and much more of Him. I will take all I can get!

No one desires depression, anxiety or low self-esteem, yet we sometimes arrive there. I had an arsenal of weapons to combat all unwelcome thoughts or feelings. I'd talk to my loving and encouraging husband. I ran to improve my health and fitness. I got the jobs I wanted, in the industry I wanted. I tasted great food and wine. I travelled. I blew off steam on nights out with music, dancing and alcohol. I cultivated an online brand of "stable and happy wife with a relatively interesting life".

It was in the calm, quiet nights that my guard was down and the depression would descend.

People don't like me. I'm a fraud. I'm not a good person. This is all meaningless.

Everyone desires pleasure, fulfillment and joy. I could never quite get there - wherever "there" was. Some people think they need to find "the one". Well, I have been happily married for several years. I love my husband deeply and (I'm speaking for him here, but...) he loves me. While our marriage has brought joy, laughter and love, it wasn't enough to stop the fear that I was running from. We all realize someday that other people, great careers, humanitarian work, life experiences, academic achievements and cheap thrills can bring some happiness, but they won't fill us the way we hope.

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." - Psalm 16:11

“For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, in which he went and proclaimed to the spirits in prison,” - 1 Peter 3:18-19

I thought I was saved at age eight while attending a Children's Christian day camp in Bloomfield, NJ. Someone told me there that I was a sinner who needed Jesus’s gift of grace to go to Heaven. I remember being terrified of hell and made the obvious choice of heaven through Jesus. I recited the sinner’s prayer that they told me to say, even though I didn’t fully grasp what it meant. The next thing I remember is coming home to tell my tiny three year old sister to do the same thing so we could both be safe. I assumed from then on that I was a Christian.

For a few summers my parents sent my little sister and me to a week long Bible camp. My favorite parts were the food, swimming in the lake and playing games. I didn’t mind the church message if it was entertaining, but I thought reading the Bible was dull and I didn’t really understand it. I felt inclined to go to Church after returning from camp in 2001 and suggested it to my dad. He surprisingly found a new church and brought us there almost every Sunday for 2 years before he died. Despite the fact that we were going at my own suggestion, I usually resented waking up early and zoned out during most of the messages.

I thought God and Jesus were good, but I rarely thought of them or my spiritual state outside of a church building. When people shared their testimonies I didn’t relate or feel their present state of peace, joy or hope. When I considered these differences a cold dread would inch its way up my spine. Should I say the sinner’s prayer again? Did I do it wrong that first time? Then I’d conclude that I was being paranoid and having a momentary lapse of faith. I assumed my guilt was stemming from being less passionate about my testimony and that I’d grow some zeal when I found the right church someday.

I felt like a fraud in University when my Christian friends asked me to pray for them. I cringed myself through some prayers and eventually stopped going to the meetings altogether. I thought they’d hear my lack of Biblical knowledge and doubt my salvation because of it. I reasoned that they were only good at that stuff because they came from more devout Christian families. I felt self-conscious about this in particular, because my family only said short routine prayers before dinner and we never read the Bible together. When I began enjoying nightclubs and bars I thought that I’d be judged, so I pretended to be too busy to go to most Christian events or meetings during my senior year.

I could go on, but the main point of this post is this: I was not born-again at age eight. I wanted to be saved from hell and be a happy person, but I didn’t care to know God personally, nor did I fully understand why I needed Him. I wanted comfort and a happy eternity with family and friends, but I didn’t consider Jesus or God to be the central part of what the experience of Heaven actually is. Now I understand that the joy of Heaven is eternal communion with Him : forever loving Him, being loved by Him, praising Him and never tiring or ceasing to be filled with the joy of His Glory. We were created to delight in ourselves in the Lord.

“If we don’t get to God through forgiveness, through justification, through propitiation, through escape from hell, through removal of wrath, if we don’t get to God and love him and treasure him and own him and say, He is everything to us, it hasn’t happened. Salvation hasn’t happened. That is what it is about. It is about him. It is not about me getting forgiven, me getting out of hell, me getting free from wrath. It is about me getting to God. I am made for God. I am made to know him and love him and be with him in a fellowship that is satisfying to my soul and, because it is satisfying to my soul, it is glorifying to his name. That is the end of the story. Everything else is means. 

I love this verse. “Christ also suffered once for sins,” — my sins. My sins of exchanging God for other things. He died so that I could get to him and finally discover what my treasure is and my value in him is. That is the first thing that has to happen to restore God to the center is that Christ must die for our unrighteous exchange. And he did. And that is the heart of the gospel. But it is not the goal of the gospel. The goal of the gospel is God.” - John Piper

I finally went through enough pain in my life to realise something was missing this whole time. Even in my happiest moments, I would find something to complain or murmur about. Everything I used as a remedy for my anxiety or sadness never gave me any true peace. When I went looking for help in Scripture God met me there. Everything I learned about Him filled me with wonder and gladness - even verses that I’d heard so many times before. God started to show me particular things that were wrong in my heart, how many mistakes I’ve made trying to do things my own way and how I desperately needed Him. I began to see how He loved me, His prodigal daughter, even though I never really loved Him. All of this time He wanted me to come back home to Him.

I was saved through faith at age 29 after seeking out Jesus. When I gave my life to Him through tears and trembling He filled me with His love and peace. This is available to everyone, no matter who you are, where you're from or whatever bad thing you’ve done. There is no sin too large or heart too dead that Jesus's sacrifice can't redeem you from. His Spirit is the only one who can open the eyes of your heart, cleanse you and make you a new creation in Him. He loves you so much. If you don’t believe any of this, ask Him to open your heart and mind to Him. Ask Jesus to show you who He is and be honest about your lack of faith, because He knows what's in your heart anyway.

If you're like I was and desire many things before God, think the Bible is boring and only give time to God on occasion, please don't try to clean your life up and then come to God. You can't do anything to improve yourself before you come to the Lord. He will be the one to create the change inside you through Grace. You'll be absolutely amazed how different you become with His Spirit inside you! He does everything and gets all the Glory for the change in us, we do nothing but trust Him through the faith that He gives us. God will not deny you if you humble yourself and ask for His help.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

11 And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants,‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.

“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came,who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’” - Luke 15:11-32

EDIT: This is one of my devotionals from the morning after I wrote this post.

I have loved you with an everlasting Love. Before time began, I knew you. For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope. All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms. When time was right, I revealed Myself to you. I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation. Sometimes you felt naked -- exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence. I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness. I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity. I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart. Join Me in singing My song. Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light.
Related verses: Jeremiah 31:3 ; Isaiah 61:10 ; 1 Peter 2:9

The book of Proverbs taught me so much about God's perfect wisdom and how He calls us to be. My version of "wisdom" had really let me down over the years. It wasn't nice to realise that the majority of my hardships resulted from my own foolish and prideful behaviour. Two verses in particular stuck in my head: