Often the life and soul of the party, you had a remarkable way of drawing everyone into the fun. People I’d never met said what a great friend you were and how you helped them in so many ways. You made time for them. You valued them. You could make pretty much anyone laugh and snort. I’ve always been so proud to be your daughter.

You weren’t perfect of course, but your desire to be a good father was clear. You showed your love for us through patience and consistency. I couldn’t stand your strict rules and boundaries when I was young, but I’ve grown to appreciate them so much today. I can see the positive ways they’ve shaped me.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” - Philippians 4:4-9

The more I see of Jesus, the more I need to see. He continually illuminates and corrects my bad habits, perceptions and judgements. I’m amazed by this and am so grateful for His unending love and patience. It’s a real spiritual battle sometimes, but whenever I press into God for more understanding, He leads me there. There’s been some really exciting things that He’s been showing me lately and I’m eager to grow in love, wisdom, maturity, and (especially) humility.

I’ve lived with an irrational fear of rejection for a long time. In June I began talking to God about this. He revealed why I’ve been this way and brought some specific people to my mind so I would forgive them. What really helped this along was not only forgiving them, but praying for them as well. He's been re-wiring my brain to be much more empathetic and kind. It’s impossible to stay angry with someone who you’re actively desiring good things for.

God showed me that I've had this wrong mentality towards Him as well. I was worried that the Holy Spirit would leave me. I didn’t think I'd lose salvation (He promises that’s impossible), but I’d worry I wouldn’t feel Him anymore. This fear became so intense that I'd avoid seeking Him entirely. I'd still read the Bible and pray, but my walls were firmly in place between us. There was a 3 - 4 week period where I didn’t feel God at all and became even more convinced that His presence was actually withdrawn from me. I just knew it was my fault and I’d have to get over our “honeymoon period that only new Christians experience” (a few people said something like this to me).

I became upset at church seeing others being filled with His joy while I wasn’t. Focusing on my feelings was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn’t seem to get over my lack of Him. When I momentarily escaped the erratic tempest of my mind and remembered his goodness, I’d begin to feel His presence again. Yet instead of rejoicing in this or connecting the dots, I’d get scared that He’d leave again. I’d become desperate in my soul, begging: “Don’t go! Don’t go!” but that’s exactly what seemed to happen as a result. All I wanted to do was cry. I just knew I was doing everything wrong and so I felt like a total failure. He told me He loves me, but I didn’t understand why this was happening. All my prayers around that time were so desperate and burdened: “Please let me feel you God. I know you love me, I know I’m your child, but I can’t go on without feeling you too.” I’d already lived my whole life without a direct connection to Him and after tasting how good He was, after He opened my eyes to this new life with Him, how could I possibly let any of Him go?

In July I began attending an early morning small group for women. The leader of the group has the Spiritual gift of Words of knowledge (this gives a person the ability to know what God is currently doing or intends to do in the life of another person. It can also be defined as knowing the secrets of another person's heart.). While we were praying, she came over to me and without me telling her anything about this personal struggle, she began speaking to me from God directly about all of it. She spoke exact answers to all of my prayers and confusion, with words that were based firmly in Scripture. He said to me that He would never reject me or forsake me, that this isn’t what he does to His children. I could do everything wrong every minute of every day and He will not go anywhere. He never removes His Presence and he is always available to us, even if we don’t feel it through our disbelief. He told me to stop trying to fight my way to Him in fear and start trusting that He is good and his promises are true. She prayed with me for at least 5 minutes while I sobbed and rejoiced. My heart became so light and unburdened after that. It was everything I needed to hear and the answer to every lie from the enemy that I was accepting and believing. Fear like this is the opposite of trust and faith in his goodness. I cannot delight in God’s presence if there is lack of trust in my heart. I should always expect great things from my amazing God and open myself up to Him with eager expectation. My God really loves me and wasn’t hiding His face from me.

I recently began a new job in Dublin. The first week was a solid 5 days of absolute, perfect peace. That isn’t exactly normal for an introverted, self-conscious and slightly socially challenged person. What changed? I knew without any doubt that God gave me this job. This wasn’t a random thing, it wasn’t a fluke, it was 100%, completely ordained by Him every step of the way. My faith in this fact was so complete, that there wasn’t any room for anxiety about it. I just knew that God has a plan for me in that place and He’s going to use me change people's lives. Trust and faith in God’s plan automatically produces a consistent level of peace and joy in our souls. I’m so excited and honored to be used by Him that I’m filled with love for almost every person I meet. I see people through God’s eyes instead of my old “are they judging me?” lenses. The beautiful women who I’m tempted to be self-conscious around or the men who look so stern and important are all just normal people like me who try to hide their underlying fear of judgement and rejection. That makes everyone I meet an immortal being to love and be charitable with my time and energy. I’d like to say that I was able to love people before Jesus came into my life, but it’s difficult when you’re so busy being scared of them.

Flesh mode = distrust, fear, judgement of others
Result of flesh mode = anxiety, tight stomach, tension, cloudy mind, bad attitude

Spirit mode = trusting God, love, judging my own heart, being kind and merciful to others
Result of Spirit mode = peace, joy, love, relaxation (yet still productive!), clear mind

Since I began this job, God has shown me how to be constantly vigilant of the shift in my soul (mind, will and emotions). Not only do I feel the obvious tension in my stomach that comes with the fleshy / worldly thoughts and worries, there’s a physical weight on my brain. The more I know about Jesus, the more I trust Him, the more I love Him and the more He enables me to follow Him.

Jesus is changing how I feel, think of others, treat others, react to pressure and think of myself. He's changing everything that's sinful: taking out the old and replacing with the new. It’s much less of me and much more of Him. I will take all I can get!

No one desires depression, anxiety or low self-esteem, yet we sometimes arrive there. I had an arsenal of weapons to combat all unwelcome thoughts or feelings. I'd talk to my loving and encouraging husband. I ran to improve my health and fitness. I got the jobs I wanted, in the industry I wanted. I tasted great food and wine. I travelled. I blew off steam on nights out with music, dancing and alcohol. I cultivated an online brand of "stable and happy wife with a relatively interesting life".

It was in the calm, quiet nights that my guard was down and the depression would descend.

People don't like me. I'm a fraud. I'm not a good person. This is all meaningless.

Everyone desires pleasure, fulfillment and joy. I could never quite get there - wherever "there" was. Some people think they need to find "the one". Well, I have been happily married for several years. I love my husband deeply and (I'm speaking for him here, but...) he loves me. While our marriage has brought joy, laughter and love, it wasn't enough to stop the fear that I was running from. We all realize someday that other people, great careers, humanitarian work, life experiences, academic achievements and cheap thrills can bring some happiness, but they won't fill us the way we hope.

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." - Psalm 16:11

My husband and I recently had a month long visit to America. We spent the first 2 weeks road tripping down the California coast and Grand Canyon and another 2 visiting our family in New Jersey. While the trip was incredibly blessed, the only downside was that I ceased spending quality time with God and mostly rushed through my devotionals. God wants us to prioritise spending time with Him and it's now clear to me how crucial it is. One thing He's been impressing upon me a lot lately (because it takes me a while sometimes) is the need to not only read Scripture, but to really study and commit it to our brains - especially His promises to us.

When we know where we stand in Christ we can confidently resist the enemy. It's so empowering to say: "NO. I know what God says about this: "related verse here"!" to the voices of anxiety, doubt and fear that used to rule my life.

The Bible is the source of:

"In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." - 2 Corinthians 4:4

John Piper is the well known Christian founder and teacher of desiringGod.org. While listening to a series of his sermons a few months ago he challenged me to make an honest assessment of my personal relationship with God. I started by asking myself this question:

Do I find God to be glorious?

glorious: delightful, wonderful, beautiful, magnificent, completely enjoyable

One way to be sure that I answered honestly was to analyse my life in more detail. What we find to be glorious will be what regularly fills our minds and life. So I asked myself a series of questions to better answer the first.

1. Who do I love most? My husband
2. Who do I want to spend most of my time with? My husband, family and friends
3.  What are the most enjoyable parts of my day? Drinking a delicious coffee, going for a run, enjoying entertaining media, appreciating beauty, having good food and drinks with loved ones, learning, achieving or experiencing something new
4. What are my goals in life (what do I assume will bring me the most joy)? Travelling, fun adventures, security (job, house, etc), raising a happy and balanced (Christian) family, being successful, having good relationships, being surrounded by beauty
5. Who do I want to please the most? Myself and my husband
6. When do I think of God? When I'm scared of losing something or when I want something.
7. Do I find God to be glorious? No. God barely registers in my life or within any of my life priorities, except for what I can get from Him. If God was the Lord of my life - He should've been the answer to the first 6 questions.

idolatry: the worship of idols or excessive devotion to, or reverence for some person or thing. An idol is anything that replaces the one, true God. Even for those who don't bow physically before a statue, idolatry is a matter of the heart - pride, self-centeredness, greed, gluttony, a love for possessions and ultimately a rebellion against God.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.” - Philippians 3:8-9

For as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to fill the void in my heart. Most people can probably relate to my story. At an early age my "best friend" dumped me for another girl and the rejection really hurt. Five years later I grew close to a new friend, but she became mentally abusive and bullied me for a while with some other girls in middle school. I lost trust in people and felt waves of jealousy at all the happy, healthy friendships around me. I'd watch movies like "Now and Then" and cry, feeling such an ache in my heart, wanting what they had so badly. Later in life, the most empathetic and loving people I met were Christians. Their kindness opened my heart to them and pointed right to God. I was so thankful to Him for them, but nevertheless raised them up in my heart where He should've been.

When I moved abroad 6 years ago I had to leave everyone I loved in America. My self-confidence quickly waned without my regular support system (plus the shortage of work during the recession) and the void I’d tried to fill burst right open again. My depression was palpable to my poor husband who only knew the carefree and happy person he fell in love with over the years. I quickly turned back into an anxiety ridden girl who desperately clung to anyone who alleviated the weight of my heart or gave me some sense of value.  

The two closest friendships I made in Ireland have ended terribly. I sensed a distance growing between one friend and myself and fearing the possible rejection pushed her away first. Last summer a woman who I spent a year getting to know couldn’t handle the pressure I evidently put on our relationship (or my emotional baggage at that time) and cut off contact with me completely. After years of loneliness and rejection I earnestly wanted to find the root of all my problems with making (and keeping) decent friends. My mom said I couldn’t expect people without God’s Spirit to empathize like my loving Christians friends could. While this was partially true and my pride wanted me to take zero responsibility, there were obvious mistakes made on both sides with each person. 

When I began walking towards Jesus I felt so broken. Within weeks it was perfectly clear that He was who I wanted and needed all this time. My journey has been filled with regret, but I'm thankful He used the pain to draw me back to Him. His plan is good and I'm learning to trust Him with my present and the future. One of the many beautiful aspects of being in a redeemed relationship with Jesus is His promise to never leave. Unlike people, it's impossible for a perfect God to break His promises. He encourages us to seek forgiveness and bring our vulnerabilities and imperfections to Him. When we do this He will clean, comfort, strengthen and perfect every part of us through the Word and His Spirit (even if some things take longer than others). 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9

He’s been telling me that I don’t have to pretend to be perfect or “play hard to get” with Him, because He knows me better than I do and loves more deeply than I could ever imagine. Being in His Presence is being surrounded by the embodiment of love itself. Jesus is my best friend. God is my good Father. He never leaves or forsakes us. He is the only one who can ever fully satisfy. Now I understand what Paul was saying: “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” If I stray or wander away from Him, He’s still with me. When I’m weak, His words strengthen me. He is everything I need - my joy, my love, my treasure.

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11

"John answered them all, saying, “I baptize you with water, but he who is mightier than I is coming, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire." - Luke 3:16

"When the day of Pentecost arrived, they were all together in one place. And suddenly there came from heaven a sound like a mighty rushing wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting. And divided tongues as of fire appeared to them and rested on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit gave them utterance." - Acts 2:1-4 

Singing worship has always been my favourite part of any church service. Who wouldn’t enjoy singing a song, especially one with a nice tune that’s saying positive things about God? I liked churches that invested time into their bands and had a variety of modern and classic hymns that energised the congregation. However there were always those select few who’d get too "into it”, making someone with my Conservative Baptist and Catholic background feel quite uncomfortable. Why did they have to raise their arms, dance around and randomly shout out? Were they showing off to everyone how much they love God? It was so distracting, irritating and strange to me that I’d stop going to a church that had too much of that happening.

A pastor recently compared the excitement of dedicated fans at a football game to worshippers at church: “Wouldn’t it be good if people who can shout, chant and jump because a ball went into a net were moved to do the same for the Creator of all things?” I’d never thought of it that way and it made sense. I began to wonder if maybe my judgement that people were being falsely theatrical was wrong. Was I the one who sang empty words to a God I barely knew? Maybe those excited displays of worship left me feeling insecure, because I lacked them?

The last session of the beginners Bible study devoted the class to the Holy Spirit and the gift of praying in tongues. (Speaking in tongues is when the Holy Spirit speaks through a Christian in other languages they don't know - world languages and Angelic languages) By the end of the evening my mind was more open to the idea, where before I‘d wanted to be as far away from it as possible. I began to think this distrust was the main thing between myself and God. That night I began praying that I’d open up to all of God and His gifts if He wanted to give them to me.

One week later I visited a church for their young adults session for the first time. I still couldn’t get into worship, because I was too self-conscious and couldn’t still my mind to focus on God. I was praying for trust when the girl beside me (who I hadn’t met - I didn't know anyone yet) began quietly praying in tongues. After a while she began to repeatedly say my name. I heard this, but I didn’t think I was hearing correctly. I held onto my doubts, thinking I misheard her and kept praying for trust. The girl then began to say it more clearly and loudly than before, she must’ve said my name about 10 or more times! Then a woman leapt onto the church stage to say: “God just told me someone here is struggling with trust and these are the verses He wants to share with them…” All of these verses shocked my heart and left me trembling. I prayed to him: “Okay God, I hear you. Thank you.” Honestly, I was more freaked out than excited about it, but I acknowledged Him.

That very same week on Saturday I read my Bible and went for a run. I replaced a few of my usual pop/dance songs with some worship music for the first time. That run was absolutely incredible - I found myself laughing and grinning while praising God in my heart for the 4 miles. As I was cooling down I asked Him “Why do we put things in front of you God? Good things, bad things - you are so much more incredible and perfect!” and as I asked Him my brain cleared for a moment in a way that has never happened to my recollection and a voice that was not my own quietly asked me :

"How do you compare the gift with the Giver?"

Many people won’t believe me or will think I’m nuts and I probably would too if it didn’t happen to me. It’s kind of like if you were abducted by aliens. Would you tell anyone about it and open yourself up to scrutiny, even though you know it happened? I recognised deep in my bones that voice was God. I was wide open to Him in my heart and He allowed me to hear Him. The statement made so much sense to me in that moment and has been incredibly helpful to me in a myriad of ways ever since, but more on that another time. God followed that up the next evening with this excerpt from one of my daily devotionals:

"Do not seek Me primarily for what I can give you. Remember that I, the Giver, am infinitely greater than any gift I might impart to you. Though I delight in blessing My children, I am deeply grieved when My blessings become idols in their hearts. Anything can be an idol if it distracts yourself from Me as your first love." - Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

This is the first time I had read anything about “the Giver” and it absolutely blew my mind. I’ve found that God does this a lot when you ask Him questions, if He reveals the answer He can do it in so many ways. You can’t put God into a box and expect Him to do it your way. If you’re faithful, you’ll know the answers when you see them. His voice was so gentle and sure that day, it’d be so easy to miss. I shared my experience with a Christian friend and she sent me this verse straight away:

"And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper." - 1 Kings: 19: 11-12

The joy and peace I felt that day was like nothing I’d experienced before. I told my mom, sisters, close friends and just could not get over it. GOD spoke to ME in my HEAD? He heard my prayers for trust and love and He was showering me with it in abundance just like He promises. ("Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."- Matthew 7:7) Reading the Bible, listening to worship songs and praying all became so different after that. I suddenly had this new sensitivity through faith that He was right there. His words leapt off the pages and made sense in new ways, certain verses brought tears of joy to my eyes and whenever I could be alone I’d find myself singing and raising my arms in adulation to Jesus. My joy in His Presence breaks over me in waves of comforting warmth, my heart leaps and my stomach does flips. I’ve fallen in love with my God! This is the purpose I’d been waiting for all my life: to love God with all my heart and mind and strength and to share this treasure with others.

Soon after this I visited a fantastic church in England where I’d gone in 2007 while studying in London. At the end of the worship the speaker said: “Holy Spirit, please come into this place and fill us.” My arms were raised as he said it and suddenly I felt the sensation again, except this time it was a light steady stream of comforting warmth that went from the top of my head and neck down to my shoulders and further down, feeling fainter as it spread out like a ripple in the water. It kept coming for a while, maybe a minute or two. I was filled with complete peace and began thanking Jesus profusely. Finally the last thing I would describe is that I felt complete and "full". It stayed with me the whole day and I wasn’t able to keep myself from telling my friends - any fear of judgement was so small in comparison to experiencing the completeness of God’s love. I told my friend, “I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you, I just feel like I’m spilling over…”

"A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." - Psalm 23: 1-6

Why do born-again Christians always share their faith with unbelievers? Why don’t they keep their faith private and personal?

"And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these." - Mark 12:28-31

A few months ago I came across a video by John Piper called "Love Jesus More Than You Love Anything" (added below). It refers to what Jesus said is the greatest Commandment of our lives - to love God with everything we have, above all other things in this world. Piper clearly explains that loving God is not simply an act of obedience by going to church and following the commandments. Would a woman be happy if the man she married did all things for her out of a sense of duty without love? Absolutely not and neither is God satisfied with people who follow His law out of obligation without love for Him in their hearts.

"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." - Matthew 10:37

Jesus revealed to me this year that I didn't love Him as I should. I put everything else in my life in front of Him: my husband, family, career, the pursuit of friendships, travel - the list goes on. In fact, I was so disinterested in God, I barely went to church and hadn't read the Bible in years. I was a "Christian" in name only - happy to claim that Jesus was my Saviour, when he was just a convenient "get out of hell free" card. I believed He was the only way to heaven and I tried to be a good person, but I didn't think He was worth much of my time besides a quick prayer before dinner and the occasional Sunday service.

Once convicted of this I wondered how to change my heart and put Him above all else. Surely God is infinitely worthy of our love being the creator of all things good, but how can I force myself to love Him for real? True love only occurs when you spend time getting to know a person, growing in trust and sharing some part of your life with them. Had there ever been a point where I wholly trusted Him with my life? Did I ever accept Him with complete faith or did I simply recite a superstitious prayer all those years ago in my youth, without having any Spiritual transformation? So many fears and questions flooded my mind, but I had to start somewhere.

First, I began reading the Bible - starting with Luke in the New Testament. I was repeatedly struck by how reading the words that this man spoke 2,000+ years ago was like being in His presence. I felt Him speaking straight into my heart even though His words were recorded so long ago. Jesus becomes more real, amazing and perfect every time I read about Him. It's as if the blinders of the world are finally chipped away and you can see, understand and know who God is. You feel the actual presence of the Holy Spirit when you read the word - it's like absolutely nothing else in this world.

The second thing I started doing was pray. Oh how desperately I prayed for God to give me love and trust in Jesus! Thankfully, God is true to His promises:

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" - Matthew 7:7-11

God is a good, patient and merciful father! After so many years I finally came back seeking Him just like the prodigal son and He came running to meet me. He knew exactly what it would take to bring me back to Him and I'm so grateful that he broke each of my walls down. Something massive changed in me and it's difficult to explain through words. Biblically speaking, my Spirit was "born again" and I'm a new person through Christ. Everything has changed. Everything is new. For the first time in my life I can feel His presence and love like a fire in my veins.

Jesus is now first in my life and instead of my old anxious self being overwhelmed by the rules and trials that come with following Him, I'm excited to learn everything He has to teach me. I know I'll fail to live a perfect life, but Jesus has covered me with His blood. The difference is I don't take that fact for granted, my heart has changed in relation to my sin and I pray for forgiveness then pour out my thankful praise for everything He's done for me. We can't earn God's love, but Jesus made a way to Him by taking our sin on Himself and dying in our place. All we have to do is reach out and receive this amazing gift of grace with love and faith.

Seek Jesus and you will find life! Is there anything more beautiful than this perfect love?

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39