“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” - Philippians 4:4-9

The more I see of Jesus, the more I need to see. He continually illuminates and corrects my bad habits, perceptions and judgements. I’m amazed by this and am so grateful for His unending love and patience. It’s a real spiritual battle sometimes, but whenever I press into God for more understanding, He leads me there. There’s been some really exciting things that He’s been showing me lately and I’m eager to grow in love, wisdom, maturity, and (especially) humility.

I’ve lived with an irrational fear of rejection for a long time. In June I began talking to God about this. He revealed why I’ve been this way and brought some specific people to my mind so I would forgive them. What really helped this along was not only forgiving them, but praying for them as well. He's been re-wiring my brain to be much more empathetic and kind. It’s impossible to stay angry with someone who you’re actively desiring good things for.

God showed me that I've had this wrong mentality towards Him as well. I was worried that the Holy Spirit would leave me. I didn’t think I'd lose salvation (He promises that’s impossible), but I’d worry I wouldn’t feel Him anymore. This fear became so intense that I'd avoid seeking Him entirely. I'd still read the Bible and pray, but my walls were firmly in place between us. There was a 3 - 4 week period where I didn’t feel God at all and became even more convinced that His presence was actually withdrawn from me. I just knew it was my fault and I’d have to get over our “honeymoon period that only new Christians experience” (a few people said something like this to me).

I became upset at church seeing others being filled with His joy while I wasn’t. Focusing on my feelings was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn’t seem to get over my lack of Him. When I momentarily escaped the erratic tempest of my mind and remembered his goodness, I’d begin to feel His presence again. Yet instead of rejoicing in this or connecting the dots, I’d get scared that He’d leave again. I’d become desperate in my soul, begging: “Don’t go! Don’t go!” but that’s exactly what seemed to happen as a result. All I wanted to do was cry. I just knew I was doing everything wrong and so I felt like a total failure. He told me He loves me, but I didn’t understand why this was happening. All my prayers around that time were so desperate and burdened: “Please let me feel you God. I know you love me, I know I’m your child, but I can’t go on without feeling you too.” I’d already lived my whole life without a direct connection to Him and after tasting how good He was, after He opened my eyes to this new life with Him, how could I possibly let any of Him go?

In July I began attending an early morning small group for women. The leader of the group has the Spiritual gift of Words of knowledge (this gives a person the ability to know what God is currently doing or intends to do in the life of another person. It can also be defined as knowing the secrets of another person's heart.). While we were praying, she came over to me and without me telling her anything about this personal struggle, she began speaking to me from God directly about all of it. She spoke exact answers to all of my prayers and confusion, with words that were based firmly in Scripture. He said to me that He would never reject me or forsake me, that this isn’t what he does to His children. I could do everything wrong every minute of every day and He will not go anywhere. He never removes His Presence and he is always available to us, even if we don’t feel it through our disbelief. He told me to stop trying to fight my way to Him in fear and start trusting that He is good and his promises are true. She prayed with me for at least 5 minutes while I sobbed and rejoiced. My heart became so light and unburdened after that. It was everything I needed to hear and the answer to every lie from the enemy that I was accepting and believing. Fear like this is the opposite of trust and faith in his goodness. I cannot delight in God’s presence if there is lack of trust in my heart. I should always expect great things from my amazing God and open myself up to Him with eager expectation. My God really loves me and wasn’t hiding His face from me.

I recently began a new job in Dublin. The first week was a solid 5 days of absolute, perfect peace. That isn’t exactly normal for an introverted, self-conscious and slightly socially challenged person. What changed? I knew without any doubt that God gave me this job. This wasn’t a random thing, it wasn’t a fluke, it was 100%, completely ordained by Him every step of the way. My faith in this fact was so complete, that there wasn’t any room for anxiety about it. I just knew that God has a plan for me in that place and He’s going to use me change people's lives. Trust and faith in God’s plan automatically produces a consistent level of peace and joy in our souls. I’m so excited and honored to be used by Him that I’m filled with love for almost every person I meet. I see people through God’s eyes instead of my old “are they judging me?” lenses. The beautiful women who I’m tempted to be self-conscious around or the men who look so stern and important are all just normal people like me who try to hide their underlying fear of judgement and rejection. That makes everyone I meet an immortal being to love and be charitable with my time and energy. I’d like to say that I was able to love people before Jesus came into my life, but it’s difficult when you’re so busy being scared of them.

Flesh mode = distrust, fear, judgement of others
Result of flesh mode = anxiety, tight stomach, tension, cloudy mind, bad attitude

Spirit mode = trusting God, love, judging my own heart, being kind and merciful to others
Result of Spirit mode = peace, joy, love, relaxation (yet still productive!), clear mind

Since I began this job, God has shown me how to be constantly vigilant of the shift in my soul (mind, will and emotions). Not only do I feel the obvious tension in my stomach that comes with the fleshy / worldly thoughts and worries, there’s a physical weight on my brain. The more I know about Jesus, the more I trust Him, the more I love Him and the more He enables me to follow Him.

Jesus is changing how I feel, think of others, treat others, react to pressure and think of myself. He's changing everything that's sinful: taking out the old and replacing with the new. It’s much less of me and much more of Him. I will take all I can get!