“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.” - Philippians 3:8-9

For as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to fill the void in my heart. Most people can probably relate to my story. At an early age my "best friend" dumped me for another girl and the rejection really hurt. Five years later I grew close to a new friend, but she became mentally abusive and bullied me for a while with some other girls in middle school. I lost trust in people and felt waves of jealousy at all the happy, healthy friendships around me. I'd watch movies like "Now and Then" and cry, feeling such an ache in my heart, wanting what they had so badly. Later in life, the most empathetic and loving people I met were Christians. Their kindness opened my heart to them and pointed right to God. I was so thankful to Him for them, but nevertheless raised them up in my heart where He should've been.

When I moved abroad 6 years ago I had to leave everyone I loved in America. My self-confidence quickly waned without my regular support system (plus the shortage of work during the recession) and the void I’d tried to fill burst right open again. My depression was palpable to my poor husband who only knew the carefree and happy person he fell in love with over the years. I quickly turned back into an anxiety ridden girl who desperately clung to anyone who alleviated the weight of my heart or gave me some sense of value.  

The two closest friendships I made in Ireland have ended terribly. I sensed a distance growing between one friend and myself and fearing the possible rejection pushed her away first. Last summer a woman who I spent a year getting to know couldn’t handle the pressure I evidently put on our relationship (or my emotional baggage at that time) and cut off contact with me completely. After years of loneliness and rejection I earnestly wanted to find the root of all my problems with making (and keeping) decent friends. My mom said I couldn’t expect people without God’s Spirit to empathize like my loving Christians friends could. While this was partially true and my pride wanted me to take zero responsibility, there were obvious mistakes made on both sides with each person. 

When I began walking towards Jesus I felt so broken. Within weeks it was perfectly clear that He was who I wanted and needed all this time. My journey has been filled with regret, but I'm thankful He used the pain to draw me back to Him. His plan is good and I'm learning to trust Him with my present and the future. One of the many beautiful aspects of being in a redeemed relationship with Jesus is His promise to never leave. Unlike people, it's impossible for a perfect God to break His promises. He encourages us to seek forgiveness and bring our vulnerabilities and imperfections to Him. When we do this He will clean, comfort, strengthen and perfect every part of us through the Word and His Spirit (even if some things take longer than others). 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9

He’s been telling me that I don’t have to pretend to be perfect or “play hard to get” with Him, because He knows me better than I do and loves more deeply than I could ever imagine. Being in His Presence is being surrounded by the embodiment of love itself. Jesus is my best friend. God is my good Father. He never leaves or forsakes us. He is the only one who can ever fully satisfy. Now I understand what Paul was saying: “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” If I stray or wander away from Him, He’s still with me. When I’m weak, His words strengthen me. He is everything I need - my joy, my love, my treasure.

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11